he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Two words: nipple clamps
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