Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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