my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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