Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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