I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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