omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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