I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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