Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
