my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize