That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
