I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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