I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
