Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize