Pappa wants mamma naked
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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