Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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