I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
