WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
