Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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