Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
