haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
