You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
