Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
