Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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