i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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