everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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