Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
