why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
