Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
