it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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