I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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