a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
