a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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