Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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