You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
