let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
