We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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