oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
