Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
