Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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