well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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