I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
