You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
