my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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