Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
