I'm really into asian looking animals
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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