This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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