I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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