True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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