Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
