He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Pants are for mortals
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
