the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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