watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
