I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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