Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize