I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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