The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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