I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
