apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
